A Bid for Connection

The ways we cope with emotional discomfort like anxiety can shape our lives in profound ways. For children, self-soothing methods often include thumb sucking, cuddling a favourite toy, or engaging in imaginative play. These behaviours allow them a temporary escape from their internal struggles.

However, as we grow into adulthood, our coping strategies can change, sometimes becoming unhealthy dependencies that suck the joy out of life. This blog post explores the journey from childhood self-soothing to adult coping mechanisms, the implications of dissociation, and the importance of developing conscious coping skills that foster authentic connections.

The Evolution of Self-Soothing

During childhood, our self-soothing skills are simple and usually effective. Thumb sucking and cuddling toys are common ways kids find comfort from emotional distress. For instance, a study revealed that about 22% of children regularly engage in thumb sucking into their early school years as a way to feel secure. As we transition into adulthood, our coping strategies need to adapt to face more complex challenges.

In adulthood, self-soothing can manifest in various ways—some constructive but many harmful. Popular distractions like excessive screen time using socials or sports betting often replace healthier strategies. Research shows about 14% of adults struggle with some form of addiction, leading to greater emotional disconnection. While these activities might seem to provide relief, they ultimately create barriers between us and our true selves.

The Cookie Crumb Trail of Dissociation

One insightful concept I share with clients is the "cookie crumb trail" of dissociation. This metaphor helps illustrate how our coping mechanisms can trace back to childhood. Although in our therapy sessions we may not spend much time analysing our past, gaining insight into where our self-soothing behaviours originated can be very enlightening.

Dissociation is a common numbing response to distress. Everyone encounters it occasionally, whether they are tired, hungry, bored or maybe grieving a loss. Mild dissociation can allow us to escape briefly from reality. However, it's important to distinguish this everyday dissociation from more severe mental health disorders. For instance, while about 70% of us experience some form of dissociation during stressful times, only a fraction will develop conditions like dissociative identity disorder.

The Freedom of Adulthood

As adults, we have more freedom and choice compared to our childhood. This newfound autonomy affords us healthy self-soothing tools we may not have had the resources for as kids. Understanding our relationship with addictive behaviours as an attempt to seek authentic connections—both within ourselves and others—can inspire us to make different choices.

When we identify our coping mechanisms as childlike ways to fill a void, we can explore healthier alternatives. Conscious coping techniques, like mindfulness and body active choices, can significantly enhance our well-being. For example, incorporating just 30 minutes of walking into your daily routine can improve mood by up to 30% and decrease stress levels.

Curating a Meaningful Lifestyle

At the core of our struggles with addiction and self-soothing is a deep craving for connection. Whether we seek to connect with ourselves or with others, the need for genuine relationships is fundamental to human well-being. Engaging in behaviours that disconnect us from our feelings can end up alienating us from our most important relationships.

As we navigate the path of self-discovery and healing, curating a fulfilling and meaningful lifestyle, one that aligns with our core values, is crucial. It starts by making intentional choices for how we allocate our time.

Of course mindfulness, meditation, and regular physical activity is great for keeping us grounded and present, but simply time out to have a massage, or a sauna, or even a visit to the barber or hairdresser can be a mindful experience, if we turn off our phone and take in the moment. Boosting self-awareness is the key to healthier ways to cope with stress.

The Road Ahead

The journey from childhood self-soothing to adult coping mechanisms can be intricate and filled with obstacles. However, by understanding the origins of our behaviours and recognising our need for authentic connection, we can make conscious choices that reward us with the life we long to enjoy. When we take the time to curate a lifestyle punctuated with experiences we've always valued, and add the adventure of something new from time to time, we can break free from the habitual cycles of dissociation and dependency.